I am listening…

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I’m giving myself a break.

I’m trusting myself and the process

One of my rules is to get up at 5am every morning to, amongst other things, work on my blog.
Admittedly, lately I haven’t.
I’m up at 6am and even that’s a struggle some mornings.
My husband asked me the other day why I’m not getting up at 5 anymore.
“You used to bounce out of be every morning! What happened?” he asked.

Right here I could have started to beat myself up a bit:
Yes, indeed, what happened? I love getting up early to write, but I haven’t in the last couple of months. Instead I have been writing in the day whenever I can find a gap, which is, lets face it, is not that often. Hence, I haven’t been writing as much as I’d like.
My own fault.
I’m lazy.
Every one knows that to be successful at anything you have to commit!
Where is my commitment?

But I didn’t beat my self up.
I have known myself for a while now, and I know how I work. And I’m working on being patient with myself.

 

In the past I used to suffer from SAD (seasonal affective depression). I found the dark months really hard.

I don’t suffer as much anymore, but I do find that my energy withers in the winter months.
Every year, come October-November time I start to struggle to do anything productive. I have to do some things of course, the world doesn’t stop spinning just because I lack the energy, but I find that I won’t do anything but the bare essentials. I feel it in my body. I’m more tired and have less ‘go’. The fact that I still manage to workout and not eat my bodyweight in chocolate is an accomplishment in itself.

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So I used to be really hard on myself. Push myself. Expect more from myself. Be disappointed in myself.
But now I’ve learned to ‘ride the wave’. Come the new year, I know I will have more energy and determination again and I will be able to accomplish more. It’s all good.

But lately, life has been even busier and more stressful than usual. Add that to my natural winter ‘low’, and it is really taking it’s toll on my body and mind.

Like I said, the fact that I had been able to any exercise at all is an accomplishment, but one I probably pushed to far. Last couple of weeks my body has been feeling more achy after a workout, I’ve had less energy and strength and my mind has felt foggy.

And so a couple of days ago at my crossfit box, my body had had enough.
I couldn’t perform and push myself like I normally would be able to.
It had quite literally had enough and I had to stop.
My body wouldn’t let me go on.
My heart was racing (sure, I was in a middle of a workout, but this felt different. Again, I know myself and my body and it didn’t feel normal at a all) I felt shaky and light headed. It took me a while to collect myself before I could drive home. My body had forced me to calm down.

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To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. I was disappointed with my body for not letting me push through this. Disappointed with my ‘weak’ mind.

But, then I stopped my self and took a step back.
The signs were clear.
I have to stop.
I have to take my own advice and listen to my body and back down even further, even if it’s even further than usual.
It was obvious that my body was telling me to slow down.

I’m a work in progress, but I’m getting better at listening to my body and to respond appropriately. My body and mind are the only two things that I will keep with me for the rest of my life, and I have to look after the two. If they don’t function as they should, nothing else in my life will either.

I know myself quite well. I’m learning to be kind to myself. So I am not beating myself up for not living ‘perfectly’ every day. I’ll get there again, I just have to be patient and give myself a break every now and then.
xx

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